Naughty Dog

Anyone who actually reads this or talks to me should understand my stance on Naughty Dog by now. I need to vent, though, so here be ye:

People, and when I say people I mean Sony kids, because no one except Sony kids can say something this absurdly ignorant and disgusting, say that Naughty Dog is the best developer in the world. Supposedly. Ninja Theory said it when Uncharted 2 came out. Plenty of pathetic kids on the internet say it: you’ll easily find 5 appropriate hits at the top of a Google search, three of them on IGN, a Sony fanboy site.

Naughty Dog has made eight games, ever. Four of them were Jak and Daxter games. Three of them were Uncharted. One was The Last of Us. Considering I reviewed all four of their PS3 games, you should easily see my experienced opinion on them within a few mouse clicks. Suffice it to say, Naughty Dog is very far from the best console game developer – that’s just a ludicrous statement.

So when I see things like this written – and every article on every gaming site has one because it’s mandatory, those are the rules of the internet, I get disgusted and want to leave the site.

NDThe universe possesses neither enough faces, nor enough palms, to handle something this incredibly asinine. It is a physical impossibility due to a lack of supply. I hate to tell you this but if you played Uncharted 1, 2, and 3, even if you played Uncharted 1; and the sheer linearity, lack of creativity, horrible gameplay, and overall contriteness of it’s thrown-together mash-up of concepts (which by the way, are not new or ahead of the curve – Indiana Jones came out in 1981) did not cause you to question your decision a minimum of 6 times, you aren’t a gamer – you’re a tool. 

“But Grenadeh why does enjoying a game make me a tool?”

Enjoying it doesn’t make you a tool. Going on to then gush sycophantic about a completely overrated and honestly bad game, that makes you a tool. Especially when you do it in public, to an audience of your “peers” – many of whom don’t know you, can tell you’re an asshole, and will not hesitate to tell you so. Let’s fast forward to TLOU. Once again, ND took a bunch of long established genre memes, and mashed them together into a mostly coherent but contrite story that brought absolutely nothing new to the table in terms of story-telling, game-play, game-design, or story itself.

It’s worth mentioning that you could say the same thing about Dead Space – a game I worship – if you want to. You’re welcome to say that. It’s false because – whereas you can compare Uncharted to Indiana Jones, it also has its origins in Tomb Raider, and a lot of novels. The idea is far more beaten to death by popular media than “space horror”. Dead Space, on the other hand, takes some inspiration from Event Horizon, Aliens, The Thing, and others, but more than anything it takes inspiration from System Shock 1 and 2 – both the version of two we did get, and the intended version that Levine and his team could not make because of technological limitations. Even just analyzing movies, there really is not enough source in sci-fi movies to call anything in Dead Space truly cliche. The jump scares are cliche, for sure, but that’s about it.

So, please tell me, I would love to know, how Naughty Dog could make a Turok game, and do anything but ruin it? Naughty Dog hasn’t made real games since PS2, nor do they show any sign of going back to those. Hollywood-esque games rake in more cash than Jak and Dexter ever did, and they will stick with what makes Sony money. See this? Naughty Dog would never be able to make a game with this:

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That’s a T-Rex with a mother fucking laser cannon attached to it’s head.

cerebral_bore2This is a god damn cerebral bore. It’s a heat-seeking remote drone that drills into an enemies head and liquefies their brains as it sucks them into the air. Naughty Dog can’t make that shit.

So take your pathetic, disgusting Sony fanboyism, and seriously, keep it to yourself. No one wants to hear it, because anyone with any experience whatsoever playing video games knows Uncharted and TLOU are recycled, half-baked shit and they are meaningless to real gamers.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

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I said there would be old shit on here.

This is the first PS3 game I owned and I never really played it until I owned my own PS3. I always died at the beginning of Act 2, because I would just shoot everyone immediately. Which is funny considering if you sneak appropriately and you wait 8 seconds, you can shoot whoever you want with the rebels attacking.

You can shoot whoever you want, said no one ever about any MGS game. Which is why I’m so pissed off (partially) that I’m doing this before I finish the game and before i even wrote an Uncharted 3 review. I am very disappointed in this game, not as a whole but certain things.

The story is great, I have no complaints about it. The graphics do switch between being awesome or plain sucking, but it was early PS3 and no console graphics are good anyway. That’s fine, it looks mountains better than MGS2, or 3, or PW, or MGS, and it looks on par with Rising Revengeance. The voice acting is about as good as it’s going to get, I stopped paying attention to that kind of thing in games unless it’s atrocious. As long as it maintains trademark ridiculousness from the MG franchise, like below, it’s fine.

Meryl. Meryl! Meryl. Crab…broke my knife! Stop saying that!

David Hayter sounds odd at certain points, and Quinton Flynn definitely sounds weird most of the game. It’s fine, I gave up listening to anything but the tone of their voice because MGS, as always, throws way too much story at you way too fast until the mandatory 2D art-work cutscene explains what they are talking about. Whether you’ve played the games or not you aren’t necessarily going to understand it either way.

As a smoker, this shit made me want to smoke every time. How did the anti-tobbaco lobbyists not attack Kojima?

For a 20 hour long interactive movie with a little bit of gameplay involved, the game is good up until Act 5, in which all semblance of fun or game disappears. It takes all the things that make the tactical espionage genre a genre and either slaps them in your face, forcing you to play stealthy in a way no Metal Gear has enforced so strictly before, or it absolutely throws them out the window. You start Act 5 in a permanent alert status and have to sneak perfectly to even make it any further. You can’t go into Caution, at all, in the first stage. If you kill someone or otherwise alert them, you’re done. Just restart from checkpoint because its literally impossible to win at that point. So you’re like “I see how it is, let me try REALLY hard to be stealthy and do the things that you didn’t have to actually do for about half the game.”

In Sons of Liberty, for example, if you got Alert status, it was still possible to get out of it by either killing the guards and hiding, or just plain hiding. There wasn’t a point of no return that you involuntarily crossed by will of the game designers.

What pisses me off is the gameplay, nothing else in the game, and I understand it’s “tactical espionage”. However, for a game that devotes half of it’s actual game-play to action sequences where you are allowed to kill everything and you are supposed to kill everything (well maybe less than half), the constant jumping between game-play types – especially when  you just finished murdering everything with a Metal Gear – is offensive and really just serves to piss you off.

The game did teach me one thing though. The Rex is a lot better than the Ray, whcih I guess we should have known after destroying like 500 of them in Sons of Liberty.

Overall I really like the game and I hope the MGS saga continues, and that Phantom Pain is Metal Gear Solid V. I don’t like how they left the game open ended but that does mean there’s a possibility Snake squeezes in another game before he dies – though doubtful. Phantom Pain looks to be Big Boss, or it could be Solidus or Liquid. MGS4 was a really good movie and a good game. I give the game a 9.5 out of 10.