RE6 Review

It’s funny, I thought ORC was the new worst game I’ve ever played. I think RE6 has almost topped that, but for different reasons.

Luckily for Capcom though, RE6 was still better than Racoon City. Why? When you shot things in RE6, they died. They also occasionally turned into exponentially more annoying things…..or did they?

Let’s be frank, the majority of the mutations – like Napad and Streloch and many others – were actually easier to kill than some normal enemies. They acted like all these injury-location-based mutations were supposed to make for a variety of challenges, but it only made for a variety of enemies. And at the lab in Ada’s campaign with all the whoppers, 2 of the 4 of them that I fought got stuck on walls. Was that the point, to make them big and powerful but clunky and stupid so it was hard for them to attack if they didn’t corner you? Like Zangief?

Honestly I would say about 85% of my deaths came from just bad game design – bad game mechanics, bad camera angles, terribly timed camera rotations, ambiguous game-play decisions – like swinging off the side of a train and then hitting a wall which there was no indication you would hit. I think that if i hadn’t died from stupid shit, I might have almost given the game a 4 out of 5. And no, almost all of those deaths weren’t my fault. Like when I died 8 times from a subway train because there literally was no QTE prompt. Or died because Resident Evil isn’t supposed to be Metal Gear Solid. Granted, they did warn you about the bat things, but they never said you had to melee them. Out of the 30 ish hours of game play, there were maybe 10 good hours. Leon chapter 1 and 2, Ada 1 through 5, the last chapter of Jake  and I guess most of Chris’s campaign, as much as that pains me to admit. I had a feeling his would be the only well constructed campaign and I was right, as always.


What the fuck is this shit? This is 100x worse than his RE2 model, is this supposed to be funny? At no point were the RE models that bad, even in RE1.

That is, excluding mercenaries, which is impossible to screw up, though they did screw up the costumes – at least the alt costumes. People don’t like Capcom because they are new and exciting, they go to them because they deliver the same formula every time and manage to make it good – or that used to be the case. For example, the fact that Leon doesn’t get an RPD uniform, and neither does Chris, nor does Ada get any of her old costumes (especially the Assignment Ada uniform) in either mercs or campaign…that’s unacceptable.

And then there’s also that huge gaping asshole where they took all the old story and any sense of logic and threw it out the window. You know like how they went for 13 years and then decided oh, by the way, Wesker was a genetically engineered clone. What about how they waited 16 years and then decided “Oh by the way he had a son even though we never ever ever said he ever had a family or knocked anyone up, and then we’re going to pretend as if that’s the case instead of just another clone.”

That’s not how you write a story. That’s tantamount to continuing the James Bond story at this point and then going “Oh yea his parents are alive, they’re great, he also has a sister and she’s married to a nice investment banker. They spend Christmas together”. You can’t do it that way, that’s not how it works. Not after 16 years. If they wanted to bullshit it and put in a son – in, say, RE3, or Code Veronica, that’s fine. Your franchise should have had a well established set of boundaries before you reached into what, 21 or so games?

So with all that being said, there isn’t much left to review other than the game-play  It’s the same gameplay from RE5 except your partner isn’t utterly useless now, though they still fail to use the appropriate gun for a situation. The added ORC melee is very helpful and a massive innovation over the awful RE1 style knife where you have to ready it and then attack. The rolling on the ground simply makes the controls convoluted now that you can move and shoot. The item and menu interface takes a lot of flak from people – I didn’t find anything wrong with it other than its stupid futuristic look. The targeting laser and reticle pretty much sucks hardcore, so I find fault with every version of the aiming system in 6.

At the end of the game, all four storylines do tie together well and make sense. The worst part is that in order to  understand, or try to understand I should say considering there actually is no point in the game where the plot is ever explained, you have to play Ada’s campaign. You don’t have to play all three campaigns to understand the story, but you do have to play all three campaigns to unlock Ada’s campaign, and in order to attempt to understand the story,  you have to play Ada’s campaign.

I give this game a 5 out of 10.

Fuck you Capcom, you’re fucking terrible.

More like



Dishonored is one of those games that came out of nowhere unless you check the game news and the E3 coverage daily, like I’m sure most gamers do to be honest. I don’t think anyone would have even looked twice at it without game-play footage – if it didn’t carry the Bethesda name. Bethesda has a habit, for good reason, of making things popular.

I never paid much attention to it until a few months before release. I was in GameStop pre-ordering some game, don’t even know what to be honest. Darksiders 2 I think, or maybe I thought I had pre-ordered Darksiders 2 but then my guy at GameStop was like, no man you pre-ordered Dishonored – then I said oh, ok. I just remember I was like yea sure it’s Bethesda, I’ll pre-order.

I haven’t actually picked my game up, yet. I torrented the game to play it because my car was in the shop and I don’t feel like spending money on games (Note: Just pre-ordered Assassin’s Creed 3 Limited Edition). I will though. I want a legit copy and the achievements.

So this is by Arkane Studios, and I’m sure no one ever heard of them. They made Arx Fatalis, a game I’ve never played, or heard things about. It’s their second game. Dishonored got a 9 out of 10 from most people so I’d say Arkane is pretty happy.

Anyway, excuse my lacking writing structure here because I don’t care and this is stream of consciousness. Dishonored is this game that combines Assassin’s Creed with Thief and Bioshock. It’s an “open world” stealth assassination game about a dude who gets framed for murdering the Empress, in the midst of a plague that is killing the entire empire, and the subsequent unraveling of the empire. You get to decide how you play through the game. Do you kill everyone? Do you knock them out? Do you disappear your targets to a mine half a mile below the earth instead of murdering them? Do you actually read all the documents? Do you crossbow them in the face and bolt their severed head to a wall while their body gushes blood somewhere nearby on the street?

The game was touted as being steampunk but it isn’t really. Every so often you’ll see something kind of steam-punk like a tallboy but that’s about the extent of it. Dishonored takes place in kind of a Victorian 18th century island group the size of Britain, an empire that relies pretty much entirely on whaling for everything. You never get to see one of the fabled beasts, major negative points for that by the way. Their “oil” is used to power all the electronics (the ones that can kill you anyway) and it also explodes – though when they say it’s volatile, they’re full of shit. It barely causes a bigger explosion than an explosive bullet.

If you play it and you start to feel like the game looks like Half-Life 2, despite being the Unreal engine, there’s a good reason. The art director of Half-Life 2 worked on this game, or so the internet says. However, it becomes annoyingly obvious because everything starts to look like City 17, especially the coastal areas. That’s not to say the art isn’t good because the Dishonored world is beautiful, even the destroyed and dirty parts. The old-school advertisements and posters lend a lot to the environment and overall it looks like the rusty, not so clean society that most sci-fi has come to be about. Note: Shut up and die if you are going to go “It’s not sci-fi there’s no science behind it.” It’s sci-fi. Science fiction isn’t about the science, it’s about the fiction. If you say whale oil somehow powers Tesla coils, it’s fine with me, I have the good sense to enjoy things.

The BioShock elements come into play when you get magical powers from the Outsider. You collect Runes in

order to purchase and upgrade new abilities like Blink, Slow Time, Devouring Storm, and others. In order to do that the Outsider gives you this nifty heart that shows you the indicators for runes/bone charms and beats faster as you get closer. As the game progresses, you get extremely fond of those powers – especially blink, as Blink is mandatory for travelling. While not all of the powers are useful or wonderful, there are four major powers that are: Dark Vision, Blink, Slow Time, and what I’m going to call force push because I don’t care what the name was.

If you like wasting time and risking getting shot, you can also attack people with rats.

The Asscaskin’s creed comes into play because you can vault and climb pretty much everything, with the exception of some unreachable rooftops or things that kill you when you climb on top of them. Unfortunately this is where one of the downsides of the game comes into play. When I put quotations around open world, it’s because the game world isn’t open. It’s open in terms of each mission. Per mission, you go to a certain area which is pretty large and you can go back and forth between any sub-areas inside of it. However, to get to those mission areas you have to get a boat ride – which is not optional and not accessible without a mission – and that boat ride is the only way to get to any area except for the Hound Pits. So the game isn’t actually open world, it’s very linear in terms of where you can go.

Why can’t we just go out for a nice boat ride, Samuel?

There are a few other things which prevent this game from being on the scale of Oblivion or Morrowind or Fable or many deeper games – and I know this is a stealth game so it isn’t necessarily supposed to be Skyrim. First of all, you can’t just go out and interact with society. You need a mission, as I said. Granted, most of society doesn’t want to talk to you anyway and you’re an outcast because they think you killed the empress – at least some of them do. You either do the story, or you don’t play. I know this is a stupid example but there’s a mission where you go to the “bathhouse”(whore house) and you don’t even get to have sex. You don’t even get to see any of the females without them freaking out.

What is the point of prostitutes in a game if you can’t have sex with them?

Another thing that really bothered me about the depth of the game becomes apparent after you play more than an hour. The guards only have 5 lines that they ever say.

“Do you still think you’ll get your own squad after last night?”


“Should we gather for cigars and whiskey tonight?”

“Indeed. I believe so.”

“I have kids, derp der.”

Any other dialogue the guards say is based on finding bodies, or attacking you, or discovering you. The interesting dialogue is left to the named characters. I want more dialogue. It doesn’t convince me not to kill guards when they are all just clones of each other with nothing interesting to say and they are indistinguishable. It didn’t ruin the game obviously, and the game is only like 10 hours long at best. but it would have been nice. Other than that they did a good job of creating an immersive world – that and the lack of whales. You get to see a picture of one but never a whale. (The dead floating whale in Outsider land does not count).

Depending on what you do in the game, the world changes around you. If you kill people, the plague and the rats gets worse. If not, apparently things are okay in the streets. It adversely affects the ending but so far I only got the kill everyone ending, so I haven’t seen the others. The frustrating thing, though, is that you reach a point where not killing people is impractical. For example, last mission, theres a platform with an arc pylon and 3 guards near it. If you rewire it, it kills everyone. If you blink to the power source and take it out, all three guards see you and you have to kill them anyway (or run away, but then you don’t get points for no detection).

Maybe I am expecting too much RPG element from a stealth Thief type game. Either way it’s a really good game, and I hope the DLC makes it better. I give Dishonored a 9 out of 10.

Really Slant Six?

This is from a journal I posted on DA about 2 months ago August 12.

I’m currently talking to someone who claims to be a Slant Six employee and she is trying to tell me that Capcom is the one who ruined their game. Discuss.

She goes “Capcom playtested it and they told us to tweak things like enemy health and sponginess to make the game more difficult.”

Let’s get that out of the way: Capcom blows. They blow hard. They’ve been throatwhores for a long time. Their only good recent games were Dragons Dogma and Asuras Wrath, and MAYBE mvc3 which is broken. So its not a stretchat all to say that Capcom ruined your crap, but that’s irrelevant. I told her for instance, the guns are broken. I’ve hit AI enemies 9 times in the head with a Barrett – a gun that would blow up a semi truck in one hit, practically. She responds that Capcom made them beef the AI. No. Because I’ve hit real players in the head repeatedly too. Zombies don’t even die necessarily.

It’s not 1 thing. You can’t write a failure across the entire board (other than environment, the setting was done very well) off as “They wanted changes after playtesting.” 
No. Every single aspect of the game was wrong, and broken. Yes, despite all of this, it managed to somehow be fun on occasion, but just no.

Then she’s like “I hate having my honesty called into question. I’m proud of what i do and blah blah.” Well then you’re both dumb and shameless.

No professional, no intelligent person, would be in a chat room on a TORRENT site, and then literally announce that they work for Slant Six. 
A) You’re fucking BREAKING THE LAW. “Yes here at Slant Six our employees torrent shit, probably our own games because they know they aren’t worth money. 
B) Everyone at Slant Six knows that everyone HATES them and every game they’ve made and has no respect for them. You wouldn’t tell people you had any connection to a game that further ruined something they love.
C) How can you be proud of yourself and “your company” for making purely unprofessional, unfiltered shit and selling it for 60 dollars? With Day 0 DLC that was PART of the game before it even came out and you made customers pay to unlock it. You are pure shit. Your games suck. Get a new job at a better software developer.

Take me for example. I don’t mention where I work, except on Facebook, which I shouldn’t do. I deleted my FB but then trillian reactivated it. I should delete again.

So then she wants me to apologize for calling her a liar. I never called her a liar. I implied that she’s full of shit because 99% of people on the internet completely are. i’m still not positive I believe her.

Then a mod mutes me for “trolling”.

If people in this civilization aren’t allowed to be held accountable for their words and their actions and they are protected from reality, protected from anyone actually engaging them in an honest conversation – by a self appointed want-to-be supehero Holden Caulfield jacktard….what is the point of existence?


Fucking stupid.


But whatever, I guess that’s the crumbling misguided socialist society we live in. 

Resident Evil 6: Leon

Yes, it’s that time. Yes, everyone who has access to the internet or has a pen or works for a publication or blog has already posted a review and, with the exception of metacric, most of them say the same thing.

The bottom line is: Resident Evil 6 is a fun but flawed third person shooter.

Unlike my RE5 review which was pages of me just ripping Capcom – deservedly – I’m just going to try this one campaign at a time and try to focus on game-play  We all know the story and any suspension of disbelief in this franchise was gone 12 years ago.

Leon’s campaign starts out solidly. There are zombies, and a town. It’s dark. It’s fun to kill them.  Unfortunately as character development goes, as with all games since 4 (not movies), Leon is a moron. If you need evidence, he leaves his knife in a zombies head in the tutorial (which by the way doesn’t actually match the chapter of the game it was taken from). Good going there, leave your knife in a zombies head. This certainly convinces me that Leon is an intelligent, trained professional who has actually at this point in the franchise been through five separate outbreak events and has the capacity to learn. Fiver: Raccoon City, Operation Javier, Spain, Harvardville Airport, and Tall Oaks (because the tutorial actually takes place in China, his fifth time in an outbreak).

So you go into the subway. Here’s where I started to hate the game (and keep in mind bro’s, this is Chapter 1. Chapter ONE). The game mechanics are so 1989 it’s pathetic. You go in the subway tunnel and there are two tracks – one is blocked by a broken down train. You proceed around the curve and 10 zombies come at you. A train comes by to kill you or them, as often happens in Leon’s campaign – being forced to let something else kill a zombie. You cannot outrun this train, you cannot flatten against the wall, you cannot do anything to avoid it except literally run to the beginning of the subway tunnel, back to that broken train. If you go on the track which is 30 feet from the subway train – no where near in danger – IT KILLS YOU ANY WAY.  Look at this video of the JP Version. I did the exact same thing on my game 8 times and it killed me no matter where I was. Bull. SHIT.

It kills you regardless. I died over and over and over again, to a fucking subway train because the game forced me to die regardless of where I was. Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible game mechanics. I deserve an achievement for the “You survived the terrible game mechanics” boss, but alas there is no such achievement. There is supposed to be a button prompt to press, to flatten your body against the wall and let the train come by and smash everyone, if you happen to be on the same side as the train. I’ve seen the button prompt before and even done it a few times, but died anyway. However, about 8 of those 9 times, there was never a button prompt to save me from the train. I had to glitch the game to get past it. I did exactly what was in that video – like I said, the train still ran me over. From 30 feet away. Either America got a broken version of the game, or that video was made after a patch that un-fucked the chapter.

So you get past that part, everything is fine for a while. Next bad game mechanics? You find a gun store filled with survivors. Now, let’s ignore that this gun store is 3 floors full of metallic shutters that don’t open until after you kill the zombies coming in. When you leave this gun store, or right before, a “Whopper” comes in. The “Whopper” is the size of the entire room. Don’t think about how he manages to fit through the door, because it’s physically impossible. Ignore that. So this giant fat attacks you and you can barely see at times because of it, yet he simultaneously manages to fit in a tiny corner and hide from you. Now, granted the camera angles are “improved”, they are still terrible when there’s a gimassive enemy and you can’t even see him or can’t see because of him.

Now the campaign proceeds on a charade in which it tries to seem like the Resident Evils you used to know, through an endless string of references – both pop culture and RE specific. Leon’s campaign is full of out of control semi’s and other vehicles. One of them makes a lovely appearance in time to make an absolutely ridiculous cutscene 100x even more ridiculous. I refer of course to the Walking Dead-game-esque scene where the bus driver decides to floor it to run over one zombie and then gets everyone killed. Despite all of that, despite the insistence of the game through actual spoken dialog where the characters constantly say “It’s just like Raccoon City!” it actually is not like Resident Evil 2 or 3 in the slightest bit and does not make me feel any nostalgia or deja vu. If by saying that they mean, “It’s just like [Resident Evil Operation] Raccoon City!” then yes, they are correct.

After this the game reverts to a straight up combination of RE4 and RE5 for a good chapter or two straight. You descend ever deeper into the depths of the earth. I’m pretty sure you are literally in the mantle of the earth by the end of the section. This is after you get to and through the Cathedral and yea, that thing that Helena said she’d do….never happened, at all. The story was never explained at all, ever. They never explained what happened at Tall Oaks. They never explained the video tape (at least not yet, in Leons campaign). The only thing you know that happened is the bio-attack in China – that’s mostly Leon’s fault, and the other two things. You don’t know why it happened though.

Come fight me instead, this game is better anyway.

The most frustrating part of the entire Leon campaign is without a doubt the game mechanics, whether its the fact that Simmons is a longer boss fight than Sin or Lavos or even Ruby Weapon, or the fact that the Indiana Jones shit will once again kill you like it did in RE4 and RE5, as if you haven’t dealt with it before. You get killed for no reason by trains, corner raped by badly timed spit from the last boss, take damage for no reason from zombies because they had their arms stretched out even though you kicked them first, or you screw up button prompts even when you hit the button at the right time.

Also let me make a sidenote: I hate the graphics. Idk how it looks on PS3, I haven’t bought my PS3 version yet, but it doesn’t even look as good as RE5 on 360. Most of it looks okay but for example the Chinese city in the background looks like ass, as do some views of the player models. I also hate the laser sight. You have to actually switch back to the crosshair to be able to proceed past a certain point in the game.

It seems like it’s easy to see from this pic, but it really isn’t.

Oh but there’s more. What is the worst part of the game mechanics (other than the trains) you ask?

Call of Duty. Call of Duty MW2 is the worst part of the game mechanics.

There are two separate scenarios in the game where you have to repeat the CoD MW2 Ice Climbing  and the button prompts give you absolutely no indication how to do them properly. You have to have a sudden revelation that the proper way to do it is exactly like Soap climbing the ice. It is the most retarded thing you have to actually press buttons to do in the history of Resident Evil, since the rock punching in RE5.

I literally had to YouTube how to beat Phase 4 of Simmons because it’s not implied in the game, even despite the hints when Leon says “Go for the legs” and the fact that there’s a giant lightning rod. You have to figure it out by trial and error, which is how the old games used to be – yes – but in the old games you either died or won. You didn’t run around killing endless zombies while fighting the boss just hoping he eventually died. You also didn’t run the risk of fighting him for 35 min and then dying because of one well placed spit that you couldn’t see, and then getting hit again while on the ground.

And let’s say this. While you can’t lose directly from your partner being worthless and retarded like in 5, your partner is undoubtedly more worthless than Sheva. Sheva revived you because you HAD to or you lost the game. Your partner now ignores your well-being entirely and the command buttons are too inconvenient to use, nor do they work.