So my friend bought me this the other day because he needed to unlock a reward and couldn’t do it in multiplayer, so wanted to stage it.

Anyway, Battlefield 3 is a game I looked forward to with a lot of anticipation – Battlefield has always been a great game, how could it possibly go wrong? Every single game was awesome, even 1943 – despite its pathetic lack of maps and the fact that they only did Japan instead of the entire game – except 2142, which had a few good moments. With a track record like that it’s absurd to think you would fuck up (but hey so did Capcom, Square Enix, Eidos, Nintendo, and pretty much every game developer).

Well I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, the multiplayer is fucking terrible. It’s just absolutely terrible. And my friends, I’m sorry, the multiplayer is the entire game. Battlefield never had a real campaign until the last 3 games. I have not played it and no matter how good it is, it doesn’t excuse how shitty the game is.

The problem is that this game is entirely focused on infantry combat. Battlefield was never popular because of it’s infantry combat – the infantry aspect has been terrible in every game in the past 8 years. The selling point was that it was a mixed battlefield. Namely, it has tanks and shit, and Battlefield is the only game that’s ever had tanks (and shit) that was actually fun and solid enough to play – including Unreal Tourn, Starsiege Tribes, and other games. There is no variety of vehicles in this game – only 30 different vehicles. There are over 60 different guns though!

I think if your game is going to be focused on ground combat, you need to actually have that aspect of the game work correctly. It’s absurd. It does not fucking work. You can hit someone at point blank (your fucking gun barrel is touching their tonsils, that’s what point blank means) in the head, twice, with a .45, or with a shotgun, they won’t die. You can hit them directly with a tank shell – no kill. The hitboxes and the gun damages are broken. There is no other description, they’re simply broken.

The problem with these new shooters is that nothing new was implemented in any of them with the exception of killstreaks and all that bullshit in CoD. Battlefield copied and decided that, in order to make the game exponentially less fun and exponentially more frustrating, they would make weapons unlockable instead of having a balanced game where every player has the same access to the same resources.

On top of that, there is no attempt at balanced matchmaking. It’s completely absurd that as a level 20 or whatever player you still have to play with level 100s who have everything unlocked and can see you across the map. Interestingly enough, that’s what causes the grief in BF. People don’t give a shit if you kill thembut if it’s clearly complete bullshit, they get pissed. Battlefield 3’s problem is that those are 99% of the kills. Imagine if someone in Black Ops threw a tomahawk across the entire map, THROUGH a wall, and killed you. That’s how every single kill in Battlefield 3 feels. You get killed repeatedly through buildings, walls, 4 ton shipping crates, you name it. And the ballistics are completely unrealistic and inconsistent. A  guy can hit you across the entire map, which is like 2 km, with an m16, while your sniper hits him in the face and doesn’t kill him. It has nothing to do with lag, or your computer, or the server. It’s simply the game having a non-functional netcode.

There are so many other utterly unrealistic and asinine  things they implemented in the game. One of them is laser sights which just blind the hell out of you if they are aimed at you – completely contrary to reality which is not in the slightest bit what happens unless it’s aimed perfectly at your iris. Which is still false.

Another terrible thing about this game is that the entire multiplayer component is accessed from your web browser. You wanted to leave your browser open and have it leech bandwidth and memory the entire time you play, right?

What else is wrong with the game you say? Maybe the fact that the knife programming is literally non-functional. If you press knife from a certain distance, it grabs them and slits their throat. This is assuming someone doesn’t shoot you in mid-animation – which is pure bullshit. Sorry but if your teammate managed to get knifed, they deserve to die – there should be no escape from that. If you for some reason don’t initiate the knife animation – which happens about 85% of the time – you will instead stand there like a fucking idiot SPAMMING the knife button and you certainly won’t kill anyone that way. That’s another fun thing, because the knife forces you to use the insta-kill animation, otherwise it slashes like in counter-strike, not hitting the guy because the insta-kill range is larger than the actual melee range,.

What else!?!?! Over half the maps, especially the good ones, are DLC exclusive! Pay for Wake Island again you tool! What? You mean you paid for it in BF1942, BF1943, and BF2? That’s too god damn bad! Pay for the same map we’ve released at least twice! That’s completely unacceptable. Battlefield maps used to be free. There is no excuse to charge for them now.

This is literally the worst multiplayer shooter I have ever played, and I have played every multiplayer shooter there is on the market.

Revisiting the newer features. Battlefield used to be a matter of skill. If a fuckface raped you in a dogfight in Battlefield 1942, it’s because they were good. They weren’t hacking. They may have been but they likely weren’t. In Battlefield 3 if a fuckface rapes you in pretty much anything, they’re hacking. Either they’re hacking, which I’d say is 30% of the time, or, it’s because the game is god fucking awfully designed. Example:

Battlefield Bad Company introduced class/item unlocks, replacing the old system of “You can choose whatever gun you want and have fun you customer, you! Go show them how you kick ass” with a new, faggoty fucking bullshit Call of Duty system of pseudo-positive reinforcements through “unlocks”, “rewards”, “ranks”, and “promotions.” So now you have the added bonus of the call of duty pissant community migrating to BF3, on console and PC. Fortunately on consoles you can’t hear their pissant asinine comments, but on PC you can. So you get faggots going “Herp derp you’re lvl 32 and you’re liek 12/13 who are you to talk?” when you say something utterly non-confrontational and irrelevant first. So where naturally you’d kill a bitch fair and square, no, now you have bullshit flak jackets and cocksuckers with M98s with better scopes than yours that manage to kill you first or even though you hit them 18 times. It’s a fucking terrible game and this unlock “progression” bullshit needs to stop being forcefed to these millenial kids that shouldn’t be playing our games in the first place, to make them think they are doing something with their time. In the old days when a shooter released, we didn’t lie to ourselves. We fucking were wasting our time shooting digital people and we didn’t need to pretend otherwise.

But who am I to talk? I’ve played every one of these piece  games since Beta before 1942 ever came out. I’ve played in clans and leagues for every game. Obviously I suck at them.

But no, really, they ruined every last possible fraction of the game. Mobile spawn points? enemy motion detectors? Chaff? Can’t combine certain attachments? Extremely unrealistic bullet drop? We’re talking about worse bullet drop than BF1942 here and BF1942 was god awful about it. Literally there is not one redeeming factor to this game whatsoever.

You get infinite ammo as long as your support troops aren’t mentally retarded. Infinite health. Almost infinite revives unless the person you revived doens’t know how to accept a revive properly.

Aircraft have unlimited chaff and obviously never use it until they are locked on. Unless every single person on your team locks on them and fires one by one until one of you hits them, that piece of shit is not going down from a javelin or hellfire or stinger or missile from an AA truck.

If you’re in a tank, you may as well blow yourself up. AT is entirely fucking overpowered and god forbid you fight another tank because while you do, you’ll have to also make sure you have a gunner shooting 15 AT people at once.

There is absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. The game has wonderful graphics but that’s  irrelevant and does not make up for how ungodly bad the gameplay is.I don’t endorse CoD at all so if you have to get a shooter, seriously, get Bad Company 2 – BF3 is pure horse manure.

Score – 2/10