So this year we are [blessed with? time will tell] having 5 Resident Evil releases coming out. I henceforth have separated them:

1) Resident Evil 6

Holy balls and shit, friends. I apparently missed the news on the day of and did not see the trailer until very early yesterday morning. I have many things to say about this.

There is or was an ongoing and massive conversation on CapcomUnity’s YouTube page afterwards, in which you will find many of my cheery and trusting (sarcasm) comments regarding the game. The trailer itself was pretty good though.

Here’s the problem. This takes place in 2013, which is ….before RE5? After RE5? After, friends. So, where the fuck is Jill? Why isn’t she with her partner? Why the fuck is Chris not with Jill after nearly losing her? Does he have a cock or did all those steroids make it vanish? Fucking illogical, and unrealistic. Even assuming they aren’t romantically attracted to one another, which is nonsense because they should be and definitely are, they are ultra mega super best friends forever. I call complete bullshit on the fact that they would be anything but joined at the hip after what they went through to finally bring down Wesker (yes I realize Jill spent the entire game mind controlled and didn’t do anything until the Desperate Escape DLC and rescuing Chris/Sheva, it still counts). They founded the BSAA. They know damn well that wasn’t the end. She’s his BFF and she’s not going to let him sit and be a drunkard somewhere in China or wherever he is. Even if his memory was erased, which appears to be the case.

Capcom needs to STOP making NEW characters and develop/USE the characters they already have.

Why does Leon have a partner? Why is Angela not his partner? What was the point of wasting money to develop her character just for a mere maybe 30 minutes of screentime in Degeneration and never use her again? By the way pro-tip, the woman who voiced Angela Miller also voiced Helena. So wtf.

Is Ashley going to be annoying as fuck again in this game or will she be only present for a few seconds and be an NPC you don’t interact with?

Is that bald chap a Wesker? I bet not. If I hear the word Wesker ever again, I’m bombing Japan. Sorry, it’s just the way it has to be. Is Sherry in the game? People seem to think so. People also seem to think Ada is involved because Chris’s scenario is in China. That would be her first interaction in someone elses story besides Leon.

Those are the questions. Here are the real questions. Why did you copy Gears of War? Why did you literally put the Berserker from Gears of War in this game? Is this going to be a combination of RE4 and RE5 gameplay? That one is an obvious yes. The important part though is WHERE THE FUCK IS JILL VALENTINE?

Oh and of course: Why are you using Leon, again? Do you realize Leon and Chris have been in 4 of the past 5 games? Enough is enough Capcom. Seriously. Leon is getting too much this year. He’s in two movies: The real movie, and the shitty hollywood movie. He’s in Resident Evil 6 as well. And ORC.

Why do you create characters that you know people like and then you discard them like they were spare concept art in the design process that you didn’t need? Assholes. Why do you lie to us? You said RE6 would be totally cool and different. You told us it would be much more survival horror. I can tell it isn’t already. I’m never wrong.

2) Resident Evil Revelations

I was remotely interested in this game when it came out because they swore up and down it would be survival horror, despite the epic failure of RE5 and the fact that nothing was changing. My major downside here is that I have to buy a pointless waste of money system to play this game – only to learn in 2  years they will start porting it (mark my words.) I’m 26. I have a life, I get sex, and I don’t play Pokemon or anything else on a useless handheld whose only games are 3D re-re-re-remakes of 16 year old N64 titles.

So as Capcom always does, their initial and continued revelation of details about…revelations….has led to mixed feelings at best. I want to play it. I want to play all RE games whether I think they will blow or not. So far only one of them has. Here are my problems:

A) If it gets ported it will be forever in the future and the shittiness of the DS graphics will show even more on a good system

B) There is only one enemy type on the cruise ship – that weird barnacle fuck thing. I have seen hunters and other enemies in the Terragrigia segments.

C) Terragrigia is a terrible fucking name for a city, especially a floating one. Floating cities have names that don’t suck, like Atlantis, or Cocoon or Bespin or Zeal. Terragrigia? Lets examine this shall we. Terra in Latin means Earth. It’s what we call our planet. The closest thing in Italian to grigia is grigio – which is a type of wine. So…this city is Earth Wine? Try again Crapcom.

D) Character design. Kurt is a fat rehash of Carlos. He is also never seen again in the franchise after this so he must die or suffer the same fate as every character Capcom has ever introduced (See Rebecca, Carlos, Barry, Jill, Sherry, Ashley, Alyson, Angela, Claire). Jessica is worse than Ashley from what we can tell and she apparently came to Russia straight off the runway from a Victorias Secret fashion show. She isn’t a soldier. I want an apology.

Regardless I will unfortunately play this game. Hope it proves me wrong.

3) Resident Evil Operation Raccoon City

Some people are pissed about this game. Some people appreciate it and are going to enjoy it or descend into bitterness trying. I am mostly in the second category – I do not care that you can kill Leon kennedy. I even don’t care that they show him get executed in the middle of the street during one of the CG trailers. Even given Capcom’s history of atrocious retcon, lying, and flip-flopping within this franchise – I can safely say they will not have Leon die, in another studio’s game, and make it canon. So there’s no worry. Especially considering he is one of the main characters in Resident Evil 6.

What does that leave over? The fact that you can freely explore Raccoon city in modern graphics and shoot zombies. What more do fans of Raccoon City want? Another survival horror? Even as a die hard classic RE fan – read “True Fan”, I have no interest in returning to Raccoon City (unless it is the RE2 remake by Jun Takeuchi that they lied about last year – not that I trust him not to ruin it if he makes it.)  in a survival horror fashion. Trust me, I’ve seen the Stagla, the hospital, the RPD, the Press building, the Trolley, the labs, the sewers, enough times. They are permanently a wonderful part of my memory. Raccoon City is done and it’s time for bigger things, like China.

No. My one complaint (aside from the overuse of melee attacks in the videos) is that this is made by Slant Six games. I’m sorry but Socom sucks. It just does. It may have been an issue with trying to do something on PS2 that couldn’t be done at the time, and that no one wanted even if it could, but the game still sucks even after Socom 3. My complaint is that this is an action game, and you know what, I got over that already without playing the game. It’s fine.

I just can’t wait to shoot those Umbrella fuckers and survive Raccoon City when I play multiplayer and single player.

4) Resident Evil Retribution

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I shame myself and others by even mentioning this but it wouldn’t exactly be the truth, or five new Resident Evil’s, if I omitted the sure-to-be-shitty upcoming fifth Paul W.S Anderon movie.

Apparently they threw in as many more canon characters as they could afford to license from Capcom, so that they could ruin them again. The actor playing Leon has already publicly disrespected gamers and pretty much all of Leons fans by a) Proving he doesn’t understand the character and B) Making some misconstrued remarks about gamers.

I am faithful that they will ruin Ada Wong as well, and that this movie will suck more testicles than Afterlife and Extinction combined. That should at least win Anderson the AVN award for “The most testicles ever sucked on screen at one time”.

If you are one of the very few people who is able to appreciate this movie franchise and leave your preconceptions at the door, kudos to you. I will see it too. I was with him, honestly, until Extinction. I will not repost it here but on my deviantart you will find an about 30 page review of the trilogy in 2008 and how incredibly bad of a movie Extinction was.

5) Resident Evil  Damnation

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I was excited as shit when Capcom initially unveiled the brief trailer for the next CG movie. It had a warzone, looked like Europe somewhere. It had Leon and a lot of soldiers fighting a war. Then it had lickers – and the lickers slaughtered everything. Then Leon shot the lickers, and he apparently saw some human being he recognized, off camera. Degeneration was excellent so I expected then and still expectnothing short of excellent or, to put it in relative terms: way better than any Anderson movie, way better than RE5.

<a href=”http://flash.sonypictures.com/video/homevideo/residentevildamnation/resevil_damn_coming_600_800x448_new.mp4“> See the trailer</a>

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